Lock The Door
by LotsOfLove
Summary: Cristina/Burke, AU, future. Cristina's career has gone exactly as planned. The same can't be said of her love life.
1. Everything You Know

**Author's Notes:** Here's the story about the story – this is an AU (alternative universe), future fic about Burke and Cristina. I'm not saying this is how it should be or anything. I don't want bitches going, "BUT OMG, Cristina and Owen are so much better!1!" I adore Cristina and Owen. But I also loved Burke and Cristina when they were together. So, I made this.

* * *

_I'm in this. I'm in this for the long haul. I'm in this to finish the race. _

_-Cristina Yang_

"Dr. Yang is our head cardiothoracic attending."

Three years after first hearing those words, she usually never got the same pang of achievement running through her veins as she did the in the first few months after getting the job. On occasion, she did feel a slight surge of achievement upon hearing them, especially if she had recently thought about her long road to this point; but, most of the time, hearing that introduction was just life as usual.

Cristina Yang was the Head of Cardiothoracic Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital.

She hadn't thought about all the years it took her to get there as a whole since the day she had been called into the Chief's office and told that she was getting the job, that nobody else could be thought of, inside or outside the hospital, that would do better than her. The day she had expected a long speech about the grave responsibility of the job, the requirements, the endless expectations, but had only been told that there wasn't a doctor in the hospital who didn't know how long and hard she had been working for this, that there was nothing that could be said about the job that Cristina hadn't already thought about thousands of times. The day when she wandered off to a secluded stairwell and sat for three hours, processing not only what had just happened, but also everything else from the first time she stepped foot into that hospital.

The day when they had one of the their biggest celebrations at Joe's in ages, which also resulted in one of her worst hangovers in ages.

It was also her last hangover since. For the past three years, she had worked almost as much as she had as an intern. Her never-changing essence of her fierce determination, her all-empowering will, made her feel as though she had to stop at nothing to prove herself, and even though her skills were top-notch, she was terrified, even slightly paranoid, of something inexplicably going wrong, which resulted in her reading every cardio journal she could find, over-scheduling herself with surgeries. Though basically everyone in her life caught this over-immersion in her work right at the start and urged her to slow down, she did only slightly, and had been traveling consistently on the line between just enough and too much ever since.

Her friends left it at that. They knew it was just the Cristina way.

* * *

"Sit down."

Ten minutes prior, a cretin who had once been her intern (number two) told Cristina that the Chief had asked to see her.

"Bailey...? What's this about?"

"You know I don't ask many things of you. You are a brilliant heart surgeon, I let you do your thing, and... it's all good. But, you see, there is something I need you to do now. You are probably not going to want to do it. You'll probably say no to me several times. But, you WILL do this for me. You will do this because I am asking you to, you will do this because you were once my intern, and did a _lot_ of things I asked you not to do, and didn't do the things I asked you to do. Which, in retrospect, is fine, because that is what interns do. But now it's time to make up for your time as a smart-ass intern. You will do this, you understand?"

In one short speech, Cristina had been transformed back into an intern again, getting a lecture from Bailey after someone had done something stupid and she got dragged in for the blame, occasionally after she herself had done something stupid, and she just couldn't admit it.

There was something slightly different though. Despite the definiteness of Bailey's words, despite the fact that she was basically demanding that Cristina do this, there was a strong undertone of slight desperateness, like Bailey really was asking her to do this.

"Um... ok. What is this thing that you want me to do?"

Bailey paused, still staring at Cristina. She had worked so hard on her speech to her, making it so Cristina could not and would not say no, she hadn't decided exactly how she was going to tell Cristina what it was.

"I-"

Cristina stared back at Bailey, confused look on her face. Very rarely had she seen Bailey stumbling, at a loss for words, like this, since she became Chief.

"Just.. ok. Just come with me," Bailey said as she raced to the door of her office.

Cristina, bewildered but still functioning, followed.

Bailey sped down the hall, to the patient's rooms. Cristina stayed as close behind her as she could. Bailey started to slow down as she approached a certain room, a resident and her interns already inside, the resident picking an intern to present.

The blinds were partly open. A deformity case, where the cardiac system was compromised, maybe? Cristina looked through the blinds as she got closer to the room.

"Alright, Jones, present the patient."

What she saw stopped her in her tracks, made her stomach drop, and shocked her more than any deformity case ever could.

The intern began. "Preston-"

His name tumbled out of her mouth as her world flipped, yet again.

.

.

.

"-Burke."

* * *

tbc, within the next day or two


	2. Everything You See

**Author's Note:** Ok, the medicine starts. I'm going to do my best, but I'll probably screw up somewhere, just saying now. If you notice, just do your best to ignore it please, haha.

* * *

The person that had shattered her world over a decade ago was now lying in a hospital bed ten feet away.

Bailey stood near the open doorway, unsure whether she wanted to just let her have her moment, or try to guide Cristina inside and therefore endure her look of wrath. Bailey had always been the one person to never, ever, even for a second, be scared of Cristina, and she still wasn't really, but this... this was a _situation_. A bad one, she knew. A delicate one. When she had gotten the call from Burke about his problem, as much as a part of her still hated him for doing what he did to that poor girl, she simply could not turn away one of her old mentors.

It was how exactly to go about it she hadn't been able to come up with a definitive plan for.

Cristina, meanwhile, had stayed right where she had stopped in her tracks, stayed staring at him through the blinds.

Bailey finally made a decision, took a step forward, and laid her hand on Cristina's elbow. The touch pulled Cristina out of her trance, and her head shot to Bailey. It was not the look of wrath, however, that Bailey had been expecting. It was a mostly blank face, all blank except her eyes, which were partly concerned, partly sad, but mostly, pleading for help, although what she was pleading for help with exactly wasn't clear. Her brows crinkled slightly at the center.

For the second time in ten minutes, she was yet again an intern, and for the second time in ten minutes, Bailey was yet again her resident. Bailey did not go, "Oh, it's ok, take your time, I know this is difficult." She did not say that she could see him later if she needed more time. That would have made it too easy for Cristina to back away, and Bailey knew almost more than anyone that Cristina Yang did not ever back away. Bailey looked back at Cristina, eyes reassuring, not warmly, but steadily, surely, powerfully.

Slowly, the desperation for help in Cristina's eyes decreased, but the concern and sadness stayed.

"What's wrong with him?"

"He was having chest pains. His echo... it showed a mass on his heart. He called the other day, said he wanted the best cardiothoracic surgeon in the country, said he knew she was at Seattle Grace."

Cristina exhaled audibly. She looked back inside the room.

"I have to do this, don't I?"

"You mean the surgery, or you mean go in there? Either way, the answer is yes."

She knew if she kept standing there, thinking about it, she'd never go in, so she pulled one of her typical moves.

Shut down thoughts, shut down emotions, and just do it.

She stepped inside.

Silence flew over the room like a tossed blanket.

"Cristina... uh, Dr. Yang, I mean." He started to smile, but stopped. Even after all these years, he wasn't sure if even now he had the right to smile at her.

"Dr. Burke." Her face was blank, her emotions technically shut off, but underneath they swarmed about, not sure what she felt, not sure what even _should_ be felt.

The silence stayed, eight pairs of eyes all on Cristina.

Her eyes were on Burke.

The resident, knowing their history (their broken wedding was hospital legend), finally broke the quiet, saying, "Dr. Yang, we were just going over our plans for tests with Dr. Burke, even though he's done them himself hundreds of times, I'd bet."

"Oh, yes. It'll be interesting, to say the least, to be on the other side of it for once," Burke said with one of his charming chuckles.

Bailey shot the resident a look from behind Cristina's back, and the resident said, "Okay, then, well we have rounds to finish, so if you have any questions, Dr. Yang can answer them" as she began to usher her interns out.

Bailey stood to the side as the interns and residents exited, preparing to follow. She wanted badly to stay, to shut it down if things went too far, to shut Burke down if he went too far, to protect Cristina. No matter how many years passed, she would always have the Mama Bear instinct with those who were her interns. Especially with Cristina, smart, kiss-ass, cut-throat, suppress-her-emotions-till-they-boil-over Cristina.

But there was only so much she could, and should, do anymore. She was Chief. Cristina was an attending. Baby bird had flown from the nest ages ago, and she couldn't always fly back to the nest when things were scary.

Bailey paused for a second as she was leaving when she saw Cristina turn towards her. Again, not a look of warm-fuzzy "I'm here for whatever you want", but a look of strong reassurance, of "You're Cristina Fucking Yang, you can do this."

Cristina turned back towards Burke, their eyes locking immediately.

She heard the door click shut behind her.

* * *

tbc, again within the next day or two


	3. Are There Any Creatures More Pathetic?

**Author's Note: **REVIEWS: I LOVE THEM. Even if it's just a quick heads-up to let me know you're reading this, it'll make me happy. :)

* * *

_You are the most competitive, most guarded, most stubborn, most challenging person I have ever met! And I love you. _

_Preston Burke_

They stayed speechless, Burke uncertain of what he could say, Cristina uncertain of what she should say.

He started to say her name, "Cris-"

She dove towards the end of his bed, finally breaking their eye contact, and grabbed his chart. "Bailey, uh, Bailey says you have a mass on your heart?"

She knew what he was doing. She knew _exactly_ what she was doing. He was about to say her name in that deep-toned, thick, simultaneously emotive and knowing way that he always had, the way that had always, _always, _made her melt in some tiny, closed-off part of her. Cristina Yang didn't melt for anyone. Or, at least, Cristina Yang didn't let anyone, including herself, know if she melted. But if she didn't acknowledge it now, there's a chance it could happen again, so damnit, the way he said her name made her melt.

She didn't yet know if it would still make her melt as it had all those years ago. And she didn't want to find out. So she had pulled another of her typical moves: When in doubt, dive for the chart.

Although he was upset that he'd been cut-off, Burke couldn't help but smile when he saw her rummaging through the chart. Typical Cristina, he remembered. Should have known.

"Yes," he said, slowly.

"Okay, I'm going to order a chest MRI, and if those rule out certain possibilities, we'll do an angiogram." She started to head toward the door.

He looked at her, slightly laughing in disbelief. He knew getting her to talk would be hard, but he thought he'd have a longer chance than this.

"Uh, Cristi-"

"Not now," she said more sharply than she had intended, and she had intended it to be pretty sharp to begin with. She stayed not looking at him when she spoke, body and head turned toward the wall.

He resigned. She needed a little time. He had learned the hard way to not push it too much when she needed time.

"Okay."

She went to leave, and as she was halfway through the door, he half-yelled, "Cristina!"

She stayed turned away, but stayed where she was, mid-step, implying that she was listening.

"It's good to see you again."

She let another second pass after he spoke, then she left, shutting the door behind her.

* * *

"You paged me?"

"Come with me."

Much like Bailey had done this morning, Cristina looked like she was on a wild goose chase with the pace at which she was moving. Once at the closest supplies closet, she opened the door, dragged her companion inside with her, and shut and lock the door.

"What the hell is going on, Cristina?"

"Mer, I don't know what to do. I don't know... I don't know what I'm going to do."

"What? About what?"

"Burke is here."

"What?"

"Burke is _here_."

"Just, here? Did he just show up?"

"No, he's a patient. He has a mass on his heart."

"Seriously?"

"Meredith, how many times do I have to say it? We're not interns anymore. You've got to stop saying that all the time!" Cristina said, more angrily than she had intended to say it (and again, she had intended it to be pretty angry).

"Sorry."

"I just... this is..."

"I know."

"I haven't seen him for over a decade! Since..."

"Yeah, I know."

"I just... why did he have to come here?"

"Well, I already know one reason that I know you are dying to say."

"What?"

Meredith put her hand on her hip and gave her a "come on now, you know what it is" look.

"Okay, yeah, I'm the best cardiothoracic surgeon in the country."

"Of course, there's probably more to it why he's here."

"What? No. Why should there be more to it? I'm the best cardiothoracic surgeon in the country, that's more than enough," Cristina said with the hint of a cocky smile at the end.

This time, Meredith's look was of the "I am not amused" family.

"No, really though, there's no other reason why he'd come."

"You don't know that."

"_He_ was the one who left _me_, Mer."

"That doesn't mean things haven't changed."

"Well, if things changed, why didn't he say anything earlier?"

"I don't know, I'm not Burke."

"And anyway, even if things have changed, I want nothing to do with it. It's beyond too late. If "late" is in Seattle, then he's on fucking Neptune, that's how far past late he is."

"Okay, listen. I don't know why he's here. Maybe he just wants to clear the air. Maybe he just wants to... I don't know. But the fact remains that he has a mass on his heart and is probably going to need surgery, and I know you don't believe it or won't let yourself believe it, but at a time, he loved you. And I know you won't admit it, or won't let yourself admit it, but at a time you loved him too."

Cristina dipped her head to the side and looked at the ground.

"So just do the medicine like you always do, and when it comes to the rest of it... just do whatever feels right. Okay?" she said, gripping Cristina's shoulders.

"Yeah."

With that, Meredith left her friend to her thoughts.

* * *

tbc!


	4. They Think They're Heroes

Other patients and a couple hours of work were enough to keep Cristina's mind decently at bay (work had always been her best distracting mechanism).

It wasn't until she was sitting down for a quick sandwich with Meredith when she was swept up in it all again.

Things were fine for a few minutes. They sat and ate in blissfully neutral conversation, Meredith knowing damn well not to bring up Burke (at least, not for a little while).

"So Burke is back. What's wrong with the runaway groom?"

"Alex, this is not the time!" Meredith protested.

Nevertheless, Alex set his tray down and sat across from Cristina.

"What? It's been years since it happened, and I can hardly ever keep my sensitive filter on as it is."

"Alex..."

"He has a mass on his heart. We're running tests. That's it. End of story. Now no. more. About it." Cristina said, giving Alex her death glare.

Alex leaned back, chomping on his sandwich, giving her his "Whatever, I don't give a crap anyway" frat-boy look.

"Whatever."

Lexie walked up, tray in hand, and she stood behind one of the chairs, looking like she was waiting for something.

"...what do you want?" Cristina said sharply.

"Oh, nothing. Just... I was going to sit down, but wanted to be sure there wasn't anything going on... that I would be interrupting..."

"You mean you didn't want to sit down if Yang was crying about her old boyfriend being back?"

"Alex!"

"Well... yeah."

"What?" Cristina exclaimed. "How do you even know about that, you weren't even here when it happened!"

"Well... I..."

"It's hospital legend, Yang. Most everyone knows."

"Alex, I swear!"

Cristina signed heavily. She had known that some people knew about it, but hadn't any idea that basically the entire surgical wing spread it around like a junior high rumor.

_Whatever_, she thought. _Like Alex said, it happened years ago. And it's not like there's anything you can do to change it._

Despite this supposed passiveness with the situation of everyone knowing about her broken wedding, the last person Cristina wanted around right now was Lexie.

Then she remembered why this whole situation was brought up in the first place.

Well, maybe Lexie wasn't the _last_ person she wanted around.

But, still.

"Little Grey, run along now," Cristina said, using the nickname she hadn't used in years.

Lexie began to protest when Meredith shot her a look. Lexie rolled her eyes and left.

Just when Cristina thought she was done with her colleagues' hijinks for the day, two trays plopped down on the table next to her.

"Hey, Cristina. How're you doing?" a concerned voice said.

"Um, I'm fine, Arizona," Cristina said, her not-subtle-at-all "I really don't want to talk to you EVER" tone sliding through.

"For the record, I told her not to do this," Callie said to Cristina.

"Oh, Calliope, shush. I just wanted to make sure our friend here is doing ok."

"Ok, seriously? You weren't even here when everything happened! You don't even know him!"

"Yeah, well, I've heard enough about it to..." Arizona trailed off when Callie shot her a "STOP TALKING!" look. "Oh... I'm not supposed to have heard enough about it, am I? Oops."

"Ok, everyone, I know because apparently my previous love life has spread through the hospital like wildfire, you all feel a need to bring it up to me, but I am fine. It happened years ago. A lot has happened since then. I'm fine. It's done. Ok?" Cristina sputtered out before she pushed her chair away from the table and stormed off, leaving the four doctors speechless.

Less than a minute after her departure from the table, and intern timidly approached her.

"...Dr. Yang?"

"What is it?"

"Um... you see..."

"Spit it out, I don't have all day."

"Um, well, Dr. Burke? He wants to talk to you."

"What?"

"Well, it's actually more than that. He says he won't let us do the MRI until he can see you."

Cristina closed her eyes and let out a frustrated breath. Well, knowing Burke (did she ever really know him, though, she had forever doubted since what happened), something like this was bound to happen at some point.

"Fine. I'll page you once I'm done, and then you take him immediately down to get the MRI."

In the walk to his room, too much was rumbling around her head to form any coherent thoughts, right up until she was just outside his door.

_Ok. Just... go in._

She opened the door.

* * *

_tbc_


	5. Gently Tear Each Other Limb From Limb

**Author's Note: **Just a reminder, reviews encourage me to write more. I like them very much. Just so you know. ;)

* * *

"Oh, Cristina."

"You wanted to see me?" She kept a measurable distance from him, near the foot of the bed, on left side, the side closest to the door.

"Yes. I assume the intern told you...?"

"Yes. And really, this is ridiculous. Just... say whatever you want to say, because we need to get your MRI done."

"Of course. I just wanted..."

"I mean, you of all people should know that things like this have to get done soon. You were always having me run tests immediately. You wouldn't put up with anything less."

"Yes, I remember."

"Everything had to be done immediately with you."

She paused. She could feel herself getting worked up; she wanted to stop. It wasn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't supposed to happen.

_That_ wasn't supposed to happen.

As it had always been when she had gotten this way, however, she was past the point of turning back. When she let her guard down, it took awhile for her to even realize it was down at all.

"Even your leaving me."

"Cris-"

"And, I know, time has passed and things have changed and you've moved on, and so have I. I moved on. It took awhile, but I did. But the thing is... you never gave me a chance to explain. You thought the wedding and everything was too much, that it was making me change too much, but you never let me explain that... it was just that. A wedding. It was just a wedding. Sure, I didn't prefer the church and all the people and having my eyebrows taken away... but I wasn't dragged through it all, either. I did it for you. People do things they don't want to do all the time for people they love. You just read too much into it. You always read too much into things, into my not giving up my apartment, into my reluctance towards the wedding... but I just, I needed time, I've always needed time to realize exactly what I wanted. And I wanted you. You said that you were walking away because you loved me, but... you shouldn't have done that if you loved me. You should have listened to what I was saying. You should have let me explain."

The speech, it was nearly seamless. The speech she subconsciously ran in her head, again and again, for a year after Burke left. The speech she had always planned to say to him should she ever see him again. The speech she had been certain she had completely forgotten. But it rolled off her tongue as if she was yet again on the plane back from the "honeymoon", eager to put up a fight for him.

"Cristina, I-"

"But see, none of that matters anymore. You walked out of my life and never gave me a chance to explain. So why the fuck are you back here now? Why, when _you_ walked out on _me_? You know there are other surgeons who could do nearly as good of a job as I can. Why on earth did you come here?"

"Cristina!"

The frustration in his voice took her out of her ranting spree, and for the first time since he got there, she really _saw _him. Burke. Slightly aged, but otherwise looking exactly the same. Still in good shape. And yet, somehow, there was a fatigued aura about him. He seemed to sink in the hospital bed. It was different from the last time she had seen him in a hospital bed. Although his spirit was wounded then, physically only his arm was hurt. Now, both his entire spirit and entire body were damaged.

It broke her heart and sickened her at the same time.

"...I had wanted to say, that I was wrong. In what I did. I should have let you explain. I shouldn't have walked away."

The words she had wanted to hear so badly all those years ago hit her in a delayed reaction.

Then, a volcano erupted.

This was nothing like she had imagined it would be (nor was it anything like he had imagined it).

"Great, Burke. That's... that's really fucking great. What, you suddenly came upon this 'realization' after your echo showed you'd probably end up needing surgery?"

"Cristina, this is-"

"About ten years too late, Burke! This isn't one of those bullshit situations where it's years later and people realize they were wrong and everything's alright. It's pointless all this time later!"

"What? No, I didn't..." Burke looked confused, and then suddenly, something hit him. "Oh..."

"What? What 'oh'?"

He turned his head slightly to the right as he looked at Cristina. "She never told you, did she?"

"What? Told me what? Who's 'she'?"

* * *

_tbc_


	6. Cause They Get To Feel No Pain

Everyone within thirty feet of the office could hear the Chief's door slam.

The noise made Bailey jump, and when she looked up from the paperwork she was working on, she was met with a fuming Cristina.

"Burke came back, and you never told me?"

"He... he told you?"

"Yeah, he told me. How could you not tell me... I mean, I was... and you didn't..."

"Cristina, I am sorry that you're upset about it. I'm sorry you found out this way. But it wasn't the time..."

"You told him to never come back. He said you told him that it wasn't the time, but then you called him and said to never come at all! How could you?"

"Cristina, it... it was complicated."

_Bailey was walking from the parking lot to the hospital entrance when she saw him._

_It couldn't be, could it?_

_The skin tone, the body frame, the hair..._

_Shit. It was him._

_Burke. _

_She sped up and stopped him about thirty feet away from the door. _

"_Um, whoa there? What do you think you're doing here?"_

"_Bailey. What, I don't even get a 'hello'?"_

"_No, you do not. Now tell me, what is it exactly do you think you're doing here?"_

"_Just... stopping in. Saying hello to people."_

"_Please, you think you're going to fool me with that? Why are you here so early, then? Hardly anyone is here yet."_

"_Oh, I just thought I'd..."_

"_Yeah, save it. You're here this early because you know she gets here early to try and snatch the best patients."_

"_I... I don't know what you've talking about."_

"_Ok, you can play dumb all you want, but you will listen to me right now. What, you think you can just disappear for a year, come back, and everything will be peaches and cream? No. You are NOT going to set a foot inside that hospital. You will not make an attempt to see her."_

_Burke laughed her off. "I hardly think you can stop-"_

"_You want to bet? You may be bigger than me, but I'll put up such a fight and such a commotion that you'll wish you'd have never gotten on that plane."_

"_Bailey-"_

"_You are not going in there today, you understand? What you did to her was awful, and devastating, and humiliating to her. She is broken right now. Completely broken. You broke her, and not much else but time is going to mend her, and her seeing you now will only make it worse. If you love her, if you care about her at all, you will walk away right now."_

_For reasons unknown, Burke starting laughing under his breath, infuriating Bailey even more. _

"_And what exactly is so damn funny?"_

"_Nothing, it's just... that's what I said last time. That I was walking away because I loved her. But I won't make that mistake again. I can't."_

"_It's a different situation now. The damage has been done. You can't just make the decision that was right then in a different situation and expect everything to be fine! You can't undo what's been done. Now, the choice that was wrong then is right. Walk away."_

_He looked towards the entrance, then at the ground._

"_Is she... is she doing ok?"_

"_She's doing as well as to be expected."_

_He looked back up at the entrance._

"_I just... I was wrong. I know I was wrong. I want to tell her that I was wrong."_

"_That's not going to do her any good right now."_

_He finally tore his eyes from the entrance and looked down at Bailey. _

"_It was good to see you again, Miranda."_

_And he was gone._

"You were still healing, Cristina. He would have just made it worse."

Cristina paced the room, hand on her forehead in disbelief. All this time, she thought he had left and hadn't thought about her for another second.

"What about this call? He said, he said you called him?"

Bailey took a deep breath, hesitant to continue, but she knew that she had to.

"It was... it was a month after the shooting."

_Time at home with Tuck had become both the best and the worst time for her. Best, because she was with her son, cherishing every second, cherishing the fact that she has more seconds. Worst, because she was _alone _with her son. Even in the presence of other people, she felt unsafe. Alone, the fear was amplified tenfold. _

_Her phone rang. A number from a different area code. A number she didn't recognize._

"_Hello?"_

"_Miranda."_

"_Burke?"_

"_How are you?"_

"_You heard."_

"_Of course I heard. It was on the national news for weeks. How is everyone?"_

"_As good as can be expected."_

"_I... do you know how Cristina is? She wasn't shot, right?"_

"_No, she wasn't. As far as I know, she's ok."_

"_Ok. Ok, good. I... I wanted to know... ok." _

_Dead air._

"_I... I was so scared when I heard. I want to... I want to see her, Miranda."_

"_Burke-"_

_"I'm married__. A few months after I saw you in Seattle, I finally decided to move on, and now... I'm married. And it was great... for awhile. We are perfect together on paper, but... I don't know, things just... aren't right. I thought they were, but they're not. And even though time has passed... I still care about her. And with the shooting... I don't want to let more time pass. I want to see her."_

"_She's with someone, Burke."_

_More dead air._

"_Oh. Do you... do you know how-?"_

"_I don't know much, but... from what I do know... you shouldn't come. Ok, just... don't come."_

"_Miranda, I-"_

"_I know you wanted to come back at some point, but I really don't think you should. It took her a long time to get past this, and this guy she's with... he's good for her. And what happened... it changed her. It changed us all. You just need to let her go, Burke. She can't handle it right now, and by the time she'll be able to... it'll be too late."_

_Dead air, times three._

"_Is she... is she happy with him?"_

"_I think so."_

_A final, fourth round of dead air._

"_Well... ok, then. Goodbye, Miranda."_

_Dial tone. _

"The timing was just... always off. I just... I didn't want you to get hurt even more."

"Oh god, I can't believe this!"

"Cristina, you know as well as I do that it was for the best!"

"I don't know that! I don't know that! And you don't either, it wasn't your place to say!"

"I was just trying to-"

"Trying to what, Bailey? Trying to protect me, trying to shield me from the big bad man who broke my heart? You didn't need to protect me, Bailey, I could have taken care of myself!"

Switch. "Oh, really?"

"Yes, I could have!"

Bailey's voice was now just as loud and angry as Cristina's. "Well then, excuse me for ever giving a rat's ass about you. Now get out of my office."

Cristina stood still for a second, slightly stunned at what she had just heard, but she was still angry more than anything, so after that second she sped out of the room.

Bailey was left at her desk, partly discouraged over how it went, mostly angry that Cristina reacted how she did, and conflicted with twenty other opposing emotions she was feeling. She wondered if her interns ever completely stopped being interns.

She wondered if _she _ever completely stopped being an intern.

* * *

_tbc_


	7. Gently Hold Each Other's Hands Forever

Cristina was searching for Meredith when an intern approached her, saying, "Dr. Yang? I have the results from the MRI."

She looked through them.

Oh, no.

Two minutes later, she was in Burke's room.

"It's a primary cardiac tumor. You're going to need a cardiac auto-transplantation, a-"

"Humpty-dumpty," he interrupted to finish for her.

"Yes. Before the surgery, I'd like to do an angiogram to get a better look at it, and tomorrow we'll do the surgery."

"Ok."

She turned to leave when he called her name.

"What?"

"I... can we just talk for a minute? We don't have to talk... what happened, or anything. Let's just... catch up."

She paused, but the look in his eyes made her reluctantly pull up a chair.

"Ok, shoot."

"Well... how long have you been the cardio attending?"

"Three years."

"Nice. And you won the Harper Avery last year, that's great. Those surgeries were brilliant."

"Yeah," she said with a "whatever, you're saying that to get on my good side" tone, looking past him, at the wall.

"Cristina," he said.

Her name brought her eyes back from the wall to his.

"I mean it."

Smiling ever-so-slightly, she looked down and said, "Well, thanks."

"I'm glad your career has worked out so well."

She said, "Thanks," again, this time with a slightly less pride than before.

Silence ensued for a second, while he tried to figure out how to phrase what he wanted to say next.

"Bailey said... when I had called... you had a, a guy... how are things with that?"

That familiar surge of pain shot through her, although it had become so familiar that it wasn't really pain anymore.

"Yeah, um, well, he was a war doctor in Iraq. He came back to America and became our head trauma surgeon. We were together for five years. Then... the war was still going on, and they asked him to go back. I told him not to go, we argued, he left anyway. Two weeks later he was hit with an IED and died."

"Cristina, I am so sorry."

"Don't be. I told him not to go. But he... he just wouldn't listen."

Silence again.

Knowing the silence was caused by her, she asked the question she desperately did not want to ask but definitely wanted to know the answer to.

"Did... did you ever... are you with someone?"

He smiled in spite of himself. "No, not now. I assumed that was obvious from my lack of a companion here."

"You might have chosen not to tell anyone. I'm guessing that's why Mama and your dad aren't here?"

"Mama died seven years ago."

"Oh..."

"It's ok. It was sudden, but peaceful. My father, however, hasn't been the same since, and I don't want to worry him."

"Don't you want to call him now? I mean, this is a pretty serious surgery. Of course, you already know that."

"Yes. But I know I have the best cardiothoracic surgeon in the country, so I'm not too worried." He smiled at her, knowing she couldn't refuse a compliment like that.

Compliments always put her at ease. She stepped forward, closer to the bed, half-laughing, saying, "Oh, so you're finally admitting that I'm better than you?"

"Well, I never said that. I certainly can't do the surgery on myself, can I?"

"We'll that technology soon enough, I'm sure. But why would you want you when you have me?" she said in her matter-of-fact, I-am-the-best way.

"This is true," he said, chuckling.

His chuckle quickly subsided down and transformed into a serious look.

"Cristina..."

He reached forward and lightly took her hand in his.

She was too stunned to pull back. Her eyes fell down to her hand in his hand.

"...thanks for doing this."

She gently slipped her hand out of his as she said, "Of course," giving him a slight smile before quickly exiting.

* * *

_tbc_


	8. Never Knowing When They Lost The Game

Hours later, angiogram done, patients taken care of, decision made to not go say goodnight to Burke before leaving the hospital, Cristina was sitting on a bar stool with Meredith, tequila in hand, at Joe's. Cristina had already told Meredith about her rant to Burke and had just finished filling her in about Bailey sending Burke away when she came back.

"How could she do that? Like, she _knew_, ok, she knew how I felt," Cristina said, her words slightly slurring.

"Ok, first, you need to slow down on the tequila. Your words are already slurring, and you don't want to be hungover tomorrow."

"You know what? I'm fine. I can control my own alcohol intake, Meredith. What is it with everyone trying to protect me?"

"Because we care about you."

"Caring about people is overrated. I just can't believe she did that. I can make my own decisions."

"Well, Cristina... just... think about it. Would you have really wanted to see Burke right then? Just a little over a year after he walked out on your right before your wedding?"

"What, are you agreeing with her?"

"I'm just saying... I mean, this was _Burke. _Bailey was just trying to make sure that he didn't come and screw with you any more than he already had. It wasn't a controlling thing, it didn't mean that she thought you couldn't make your own decisions... she just wanted things to start going well for you again, that's all."

Cristina stared angrily at her empty shot glass.

"Come on. This is _Bailey _we're talking about."

Finally, Cristina gave up on her ill-supported rage.

"Yeah, I know. I'll talk to her tomorrow."

"Good."

"Oh god, I didn't even tell you what else happened, did I?"

"What?"

"He held my hand earlier."

"What?"

"We were talking-"

"Talking? About what?"

"Just... stuff. My career. I told him about Owen. He told me... well, that he's not with anyone."

"Oh?"

"And after we were done, he said, 'Thanks for doing this' and held my hand."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Was it a nostalgic-old-friend thing or a I-want-in-your-pants-again kind of thing?"

"Meredith!"

"Well?"

"...I don't know."

"You don't know? Well, what was it to you?"

"I don't know, okay? It's all very... I don't know."

"You'd be figure it out, you're doing surgery on him tomorrow?"

"You think I don't know that, Mer? I just... no, it couldn't have meant anything. After what he did... leaving me like that, never letting me explain... I mean, do normal people forgive people for things like that?"

"But he came back. Doesn't it not count since he came back?"

"Yeah, he came back, but he didn't actually _do_ anything. I mean, Bailey told him to stay away, but he could have not listened to her!"

"He was doing what he thought was best for you, because he loved you."

"Yeah, that's what he said when he tried to justify what he did the first time."

"And he didn't want to make the wrong call again."

Cristina sighed.

"So much time has passed..."

"Yeah, well..." Meredith looked at Cristina. "When it comes to forgiving him... you two never were the typical couple. Take that into mind."

Not much more could be figured out on the matter tonight, Meredith could tell. "...Joe, can we get a glass of water?"

* * *

Thanks to the glasses of water at the bar the night before and the stopping of the drinking of tequila before she got too drunk, Cristina awoke with no hangover whatsoever.

Which was a very good thing, since she'd be performing surgery on her mentor and the man who first broke her heart that day.

The surgery was scheduled for ten A.M. Cristina was standing, looking at the board, when she heard a voice from below her, on her right side.

"Looks like you've got a big day ahead of you."

"Bailey. Look, I shouldn't have reacted that way. I know what you did was only out of good intentions. I'm... I'm sorry."

"Oh, you sure, or do you really still think that I've only been trying to undermine you and make your life awful this whole time?"

"Bailey..." Cristina gave her her "I'm-trying-really-hard-to-be-a-normal-person-right-now" look.

Bailey gave her a slight smirk. "Apology accepted. I was just... trying to look out for you."

"I know."

They had a moment. It came and passed.

"So... are you ready for this?"

"Of course. I've done humpty-dumpties before, and with Burke being in good shape..."

"You know that's not what I mean."

"...I'm as ready as I'll ever be, I guess."

"He wouldn't have come, no matter what your history with each other, if he didn't think you could do it, you know that, right?"

"Yeah."

As Bailey always had been able to do, she could tell that Cristina was still not completely sure. Or, at least, not sure enough to feel completely sure.

"When he is on that table, he is not your teacher, he is not your ex-fiance. He is just a patient whose life you are going to do your absolute best to save."

Cristina nodded, and Bailey patted her arm, saying, "I'll see you in there" before walking away.

Soon after Bailey left, Cristina took a walk down the hall that led her to Burke's room. She knocked and entered.

* * *

_tbc_


	9. Everything You Feel

"Good morning."

"Good morning."

"We'll be getting you preped for surgery soon. It's scheduled for ten."

"Ok, well. Then, before that... I have something to say. I know you may not want to hear it, and you owe me nothing, but just... for once, appease a patient who is about to go into a risky surgery."

She lowered the chart in her hands, and after a moment's pause, hesitantly took a step toward him.

"When I did what I did... I was, like you said, blowing it our of proportion. In those first months away, your absence... well, basically shocked me into realizing that I was wrong. I had tried to fit you into a box, I tried to fit _us _into a box, to make something that was not in the least black-and-white, black-and-white. We were outside of any box, and that's what made it so awful, and so marvelous. I should never have tried to box us.

She said nothing, her eyes beaming down on him, her eyes showing her her brain processing everything he was saying.

"I know one time saying something can't take it back or make up for it, I know it doesn't... mean anything, but I just... wanted you to know."

"No, I... I appreciate it." The wording was far too formal, even for Cristina, but there was just no other way to say it.

"You do?" he said softly.

"Yes," she responded. Despite her doing her best to reinforce her guard with as much metaphoric stainless steel as possible, she sensed the hint of a tear in her eye.

"It seems like it was so long ago," he said.

"It _was _a long time ago. A decade has passed."

"Yes."

Silence.

Burke continued, "Time passed. I lived my life. You lived your life. But it's just... being back here... seeing you again... I realize... I realize I've missed you, I-" he stopped abruptly, deciding for a change of tactic.

"It's like when you get a lull in surgeries. You get a steady stream of routine stuff, and after so much of the regular, you almost start to forget what it's like to have a challenge, to feel a thrill during surgery. You don't remember until one of those risky surgeries happens again." He paused to think, then continued, choosing his words carefully. "And it's not quite the same as those first few adrenaline-filled surgeries you had. It will never be exactly the same, and you know that. But it somehow becomes a whole new game, still extraordinary, still everything you want it to be, just in different ways then before. And it's infinitely better than the alternative. You know?"

"Yes," she said quietly, staring deep into the eyes she had drowned in and been rejuvenated in time and time again.

"Burke, I-"

Right on cue, an intern entered. "Time to prep you for surgery, Dr. Burke."

Cristina was quickly yanked out of it, stepping back, gathering herself together (in more ways than one), but Burke stayed in it, stayed looking at her as he responded "yes" to the intern.

"Yes, and I have a couple of things I have to take care of, so I will do those things, and I will... I'll come back when they're ready to take you down, ok?" she said, her tone switching from uber-professional to still-professional-but-with-a-hint-of-personal, something that happened so rarely that it caused the intern to pause and stare at Cristina, and caused Cristina to give the intern a "get back to work" glare. The intern did just that as Cristina walked out.

* * *

Cristina and an intern were rolling Burke down to OR 2. They got to the entrance of the OR, where Cristina would have to leave to scrub in.

"It's funny," he said. "So many times I've gone through the door you're about to go through, and never did I think I've be going through the one I'm about to go through."

Typical Preston Burke, she suddenly remembered. Trying to mask his fear with a joke, letting it accumulate until one day it would all boil over in rage or some other extremity of emotion.

She couldn't bear to see him, _him_, Preston Burke, afraid like that.

She scrambled for his hand and took it in her own.

"_Where have you been all day?"_

"_Sitting shiva for Denny." She climbs into his hospital bed with him. "How are you?"_

"_How are you?"_

_She tries to hold it back, but the waves pushes through. Tears start pouring out; she puts her hand over her face._

"_Oh..." he says, surprised and concerned about this sudden outward bust of emotion. He strokes her hair as she cries, trying to calm down enough to say what she wants to say._

_She breaths deep to calm herself down, and putting her hands on his chest as she looks at him, says, "...Don't ever die."_

_He simply nods and says, "I'll do my best", as she rests her head on his chest and resumes stroking her hair._

"Everything is going to fine, ok?" she said, trying to assure herself as much as him.

"Ok."

* * *

_tbc_


	10. Any Other Kinds Of Lovers

The surgery was done.

She had done the best she could.

_Heart taken out: check. Tumor removed: check. Putting the heart back together: In progress._

_It was all going according to textbook. Then, as always in surgery, the switch happens so swiftly you can hardly tell when it happened. _

"_He's bleeding too much, we need to control it."_

_Cristina's and Bailey's hand flew around his open chest, grabbing instruments from outstretched hands._

_Then the heart-dropping (literally) high-speed beeping started. _

"_His heart rate is dropping."_

_Cristina spoke as her hands flew into action double what they already were. _

"_No way, Burke, no fucking way, you do not do this. Don't you dare die on me. You stay here, I'm not letting you leave, you are NOT allowed to leave!"_

_Beeping decreased. _

"_Heart rate's back up."_

_Hands slowed down. _

_Cristina stepped back for a second, closed her eyes, and breathed. _

_After the second, she stepped back forward and said, "Ok, let's finish up here."_

He was fine. Things could change in recovery, but for now, he was fine. They'd see when he was awake the next morning.

She had no other surgeries scheduled, and all her other patients were attended to.

She lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling.

_She can hear the door open, and already knows who it is. She wishes it to be someone else, but she knows it not him._

"_He's gone."_

"_I...I...I don't think he's gone. Uh, his stuff is here." _

"_No, it isn't. His trumpet was here. His entire Eugene Foote collection...vinyls and cds...his grandmother's picture was by the bed. His lucky scrub cap was hanging on the door. He's gone."_

"_I'm...I'm free. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it."_

_This wasn't how it was supposed to be. But she was too late. _

"_Damn it. Damn it."_

_He's gone. She was too late. He's gone. He's gone._

_Suddenly, the dress feels like fire on her skin._

"_Oh, god. Get this off me. Take this off! Take this off!"_

_Meredith runs over, unzips the dress, starts pulling it off. _

"_Please, just... I can't... help me, help me..."_

_He was gone. _

"_...help me!"_

He had walked away.

_He walked away from you, you idiot. He tore your world apart, _she thought.

_It had just been one of those days. Han had been extra bitchy, and the thought had somehow slipped in of how she'd actually be learning something if Burke were still there. _

_Everything would be better if he were still there. _

_Six months have passed since she had last seen him. At work, at the bar, in the presence of anyone else, she lives a lie. She is still living, yes. But her reality with other people is different from her reality when she is by herself. When she is with people, she is moving on. When she is with people, she hates the asshole who left her at their wedding, she is over him, she knows she deserves better than him. But in the darkness, in the solitude of the apartment... she can admit it. Not to anyone else, but to herself, which is far more than she can do otherwise. She can admit that she misses him._

_Oh, god, she misses him so much. _

_If only, **if only**, she could have explained._

And now, she had explained. She had gotten to explain, and he said he was wrong.

So what was going on now?

Could they try again?

Should they try again?

Fuck, did she even _want _to try again?

_He's already asleep when she climbs into bed._

_She looks at him through the darkness._

_He could have died today._

"_Burke, you awake? Burke?"_

_He snores softly. _

"_...I love you too."_

_

* * *

_

The next morning, she checked in on him at around nine, wanting to make sure enough time had passed for him to be awake and talking.

His eyes fell on her when he heard her enter, and when their eyes connected, the aura of the situation changed. His life was no longer in danger, he was no longer relying on her to change that. Things were different now.

"Good morning."

"Good morning."

"How're you feeling?" She grabbed his chart and scanned it.

"Pretty well, for just having gone through a heart surgery."

"Everything looks good here. The surgery went well."

"I'm sure it did. You've always been top-notch. You know, although I knew you might have some obstacles along the way... I always knew you'd become a brilliant surgeon," he said, saying the last part so tenderly, it threw her off-guard a little bit.

She kept her gaze locked with his. "That means a lot, coming from you, Burke. Really."

He smiled at her.

Their gaze stayed locked.

She was finally the one to break, but the mood shifted only slightly. "Anyway, if all goes as planned, you'll be out of here in about two weeks, so you can inform your Chief of when you'll be back."

"Well, actually... I took a leave of absence. Got a one-way ticket here. I didn't know just how serious this would be. I was thinking... of maybe... of staying in Seattle for awhile."

"Really?" _Oh, god. Do I want this? _

"Yes. Should I..." he paused, cautious to go on yet dying to say it, "...stay in Seattle?"

"What?" _...oh, shit, maybe I want this?_

"Should I stay in Seattle?"

"_And it's not quite the same as those first few adrenaline-filled surgeries you had. It will never be exactly the same, and you know that. But it somehow becomes a whole new game, still extraordinary, still everything you want it to be, just in different ways then before. _

_And it's infinitely better than the alternative."_

Teetering on the edge of action, she finally (finally, finally) fell over, and abruptly bent down and kissed him, lightly, on the lips. He responded gently, after a second of being stunned into paralysis. After a few seconds, she pulled back.

"Yes. You should stay."

"_Look, I'm just... what is this... that we're doing here? What is it?"_

_She says, slightly scoffingly, "You need a definition? You... really want to be that guy?"_

Of course not_, he thinks. They do not need a definition. They never have, and they never will. They are beyond defining, because what they have cannot be put into words._

_That's just what makes it so difficult sometimes. _

_But at the same time, it is what makes it so utterly wonderful._

_He smiles at her. _

"_Lock the door."_

_

* * *

_

_end_

**Author's Note**: Thanks to everyone for reading! I've been wanting to write this literally since the season 3 finale, and it was so great to finally get it out. Reviews would make me very very happy, ESPECIALLY if you went back and reviewed other chapters as well ;) Hope you enjoyed it :)


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